Turning the Page

“Find life experiences and swallow them whole. Travel. Meet many people. Go down some dead ends and explore dark alleys. Try everything. Exhaust yourself in the glorious pursuit of life."
-Lawrence K. Fish

The pursuit of life, as I’m learning, is easiest when defined as a series of failures. You can only truly consider yourself successful when you’ve failed enough times in searching for such success.

This past soccer season had its fair share of failures and victories. My team sat down in early August to discuss our goals, and decided that we wanted to accomplish a certain set of achievements that, if done right, would make us one of the best programs in the country. We wanted to be conference champions. We wanted to make the NCAA tournament. We wanted to be nationally ranked. Aside from that, I had my own personal goals. I held an expectation for myself to earn All-Conference honors, get 10 shutouts, and have the highest save percentage in the conference. None of those goals, both team and individual, ended up coming true.

Looking back, we did everything right. In August, we fought through preseason where we trained for over four hours a day in triple-digit temperatures. We woke up early to run fitness tests and spent our afternoons recovering in ice baths. In our locker room, we posted Conference USA’s predictions for the 2011 season, where we were chosen to finish 9th out of 12 teams. In big bold letters we wrote, “What are we going to do about this?” and it was the only thing we saw on our way out to practice every day. People didn’t believe in us, but we believed in ourselves and at the time, that was all that mattered.

The first half of conference didn’t go too well despite a successful preseason. There was a point where our record was 1-5 and our hopes of going to conference tournament (en route to the NCAA’s) were getting smaller and smaller. At no point did anyone lose complete faith, but we didn’t say our goals out loud anymore... we were no longer that confident. The turning point was right after we played and lost against the University of Tulsa. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen my teammates cry so much after a game, but that was so much more significant than a simple game. It was everything we had invested ourselves in. It was knowing that reality doesn’t adjust itself just because you want something. However we later learned that if you want something badly enough, it’s no longer a want. It’s a need. And amazing things can happen when you really, truly need something.

That was the story of the rest of our season. We went on to win all but one game, locking in our bid to the C-USA Tournament (hosted by Memphis). In Memphis, we performed under pressure on the biggest stage of the year, beating The University of Central Florida for the first time in program history. Two days later, we faced The University of Memphis in the semi-finals, where our storybook season came to a close. Memphis is currently the #4 team in the nation, and rightfully so. They have yet to lose a game this year. They’re breaking school records, conference records, and even NCAA records. They’ve deserved everything they’ve earned.

I think that was the hardest part-- knowing that they had goals too, but unlike us, they met them. When you’re chasing any dream, whether it be in soccer or in life, you go through your journey believing that it’s your story. But sometimes you have to remember that there are people out there wanting exactly what you want, and sometimes you have to accept that even though you’ve worked hard and you’ve invested so much, sometimes it’s not entirely your story. Sometimes it’s theirs.

The next day, we were fortunate enough to distract ourselves from the reality of our season’s end by exploring the city of Memphis. We went to Sun Studio, a place most commonly known as the home of Elvis’ first recording. What a lot of people don’t know, though, is it was that same place where Sam Phillips turned Elvis down for over a year before finally (and reluctantly) giving him a record deal. We then saw the Civil Rights Museum at the Lorraine Motel, where I learned that Ralph Abernathy boldly promised the believers that they would find justice, despite the death of Martin Luther King, Jr. Finally, we spent time on Beale Street and while sitting at BB King’s, eating dinner and listening to a live amateur band, it finally hit me: aspiration is everywhere. Musicians who play at BB King’s are doing so with the hopes of being somewhere bigger and better. Athletes don’t want to win games, they want to win titles. Winning games is just a stepping stone in the process. Losing games is too. Teachers, artists, businessmen, writers. They all want to get somewhere, but the actual act of getting there is more powerful than knowing you’ve succeeded.

I set specific goals for myself and for this team and at the end of the day, it’s safe to say that we failed miserably. But defining ourselves as failures based on the overall result wouldn’t be fair, either. It’s so easy to feel defeated when you’ve held yourself to an expectation, but in this I’ve learned that even through failure you can find something to hold on to. And that’s what it’s about, really. The pursuit of anything may take several tries, but in each failed attempt lays a series of little victories. So yes, the big picture will tell you that we’ve failed. But during our overall failure, we beat UCF when they were ranked #18. We tied William & Mary when they were #21. We came back from a condemned 1-5 record and shocked our conference when they had already lost all hope in us. As for me, I went on to receive All-Tournament honors, a variation of my All-Conference goal. And while sitting in my hotel room after losing to Memphis, feeling exhausted of disappointment and embarrassment in myself, I received a phone call from my coach, saying that the Philippine Women’s National Team is interested in having me join their roster.

This journey for me is far from over. I am still determined to win a conference title, play in the NCAA Tournament, and have our program at East Carolina be among the best in the nation. Those goals stay the same, and will join the long list of things that I plan to accomplish as an athlete, a person, and a future journalist. But in doing so, I’m fully aware that none of them will ever be a reality unless I’m willing to grow through my own defeats-- unless I’m willing to move on from what is written, and turn the page.